


spaces between us (hold all our secrets)

by ghostrider



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Pining, idk man, sad sad zayn, stupid stupid liam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 20:32:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4801301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostrider/pseuds/ghostrider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I thought I had lost you,” he says, rests his head on Liam’s shoulder, “Forever.”</p><p>“You can’t lose what was made for you,” Liam kisses his head.</p><p>Zayn smiles into his neck, “You were made for me?”</p><p>“Just like you were for me,” Liam says, holds him so tight against him, and rests his chin above his head, “Because you’re the only one who fits with me, like this. Filling in all my spaces.”</p><p>(or where a heartbroken zayn crashes liam's wedding.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	spaces between us (hold all our secrets)

**Author's Note:**

> a repost and rewrite of a fic i once posted on tumblr (in like 2012), ages and ages ago. and this is based on a prompt. every '~' marks the **start** and **end** of a flashback/memory. 
> 
> have fun reading. :)

“Looking quite chic, aren’t ya?” Louis comments happily as he walks into the room, holding a black tuxedo jacket suspended on a hanger in his hand.

The groom who is standing in front of the tall, floor mirror, fiddling with his bowtie grunts irritably in response.

“Aaand, you're not in a good mood,” Louis continues, laying the tux on the bed, smoothing it out just because, and then plopping down on the black couch that stands facing the mirror.

“Obviously I am not in a good mood,” Liam says, “Why would I be? It’s 2 PM, and Niall still isn’t here, I told him to be here at 1 and he promised he’d be!”

“He’s running a little late, Li,” Louis says, “Don’t worry, your best man will be here when you’re saying the vows, we still got an hour until then.”

“And Sophia,” Liam says, “She is throwing a fit because her shoes are shiny white and not pearly white like what on earth is that even supposed to mean? What does it matter, it’s still white!”

“You know her Liam,” Louis reasons, “She is picky when it comes to fashion stuff. And today is her wedding day; let her throw a fit over a pair of shoes if she wants to.”

“And look at this stupid tie,” Liam says, running out of things to complain about, “Who brought this, it’s not even‒”

“For fuck’s sake, Li. Calm down,” Louis gets up and walks over to his best friend, “Here let me do this.”

Liam lets the ends of his tie go, lets Louis fix it for him. His foot keeps patting the ground, impatiently.

“Where's Harry?” he asks.

“Flirting with the bridesmaids,” Louis grins, moving aside so that Liam can see himself in the mirror, “And failing miserably at that.”

Liam lets out a short laugh too, because his bow tie is in place now and it does go really well with his crisp white shirt and black waist coat. It doesn’t put a stop to all the jitters he’s having, but the sight of himself in the mirror, looking perfect and fancier than ever, calms his nerves a little.

“Harry needs to change his tactics,” Liam says, grabbing the watch Louis is handing to him, “His tricks used to work when we were seventeen, I don’t think they do anymore.”

“Oh, they do, his dimples are a conspiracy I’m telling you,” Louis says, watching Liam clasp his watch with steady fingers “But all those women are more interested in if Zayn’s coming.”

Something shifts in Liam's features, as he looks up at Louis. It’s in his eyes, something dark at the mention of Zayn that Louis will never understand. But he doesn’t want Liam to start freaking out again, so he says, “Harry told them he’s coming, but we all know he won’t. So we’ll give them an excuse later, after the wedding, alright? No need to fuss over it.”

Liam takes a deep breath and nods.

“Can I ask you something though, Li?” Louis asks. He has to make sure one last time.

“I am sure I want to do this Louis,” Liam answers his question before he can even say it.

“Okay, I am sorry,” Louis gives him a small smile, “Just checking.”

Right at that moment, the door bursts open and in comes Niall, his dirty blonde hair slicked back, and he’s looking neater than he’s ever looked. He’s got a phone in his hand, and the moment he shuts the door behind him, he’s apologizing, “Okay, before you murder me Liam, I am sorry I am running late. I actually spilled coke on my first suit and then had to go get a new one because the best man shouldn’t be wearing clothes with coke on them.”

“How do you always, _always_ , find a way to ruin all your new clothes?” Louis asks as he comes over to them, smelling of fresh cologne.

“I don’t know,” Niall shrugs, his expression one of innocence Louis knows too well is fake, “Anyway, Twitter is going crazy today. You’ve trended like seven times already since the morning, it’s insane!”

“Okay Niall, seriously,” Louis says, grabbing Niall’s phone from him and throwing it on the bed, “Log off Twitter for just one day, do us all a favor please.”

“Okay, what else is there to do?” Niall asks, eyeing Louis irritably.

“Help me brighten Liam up,” Louis says, and Liam instantly looks at them at the mention of his name, doesn’t even know what they were talking about, he had been lost in a completely different world of his own and he didn’t even know. Niall and Louis both are staring at him, knowing looks on their faces.

“You thinking about him, again?” Niall asks.

He opens his mouth to disagree but Louis cuts off the unspoken lie, “Forget it Niall, he isn't going come around anytime soon. He is sure about this, I already tried.”

“This is for the best guys. The best for all of us,” Liam sighs, turns away from them, back to staring at him in the mirror. 

“Bullshit, this ain’t the best for me,” Niall states, unlike Louis, he’s straightforward, no sugar coating, nothing, only what he knows is the truth, “And it sure isn’t the best for you. I’ll tell you what’s best for you. Za‒”

“Please, don’t,” Liam asserts.

“No why not,” Niall asks, “You need to stop running away from what’s real.”

“I don't love him, Niall,” he swallows.

“Oh that’s fucking right, and I am not fucking Irish!”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Liam says, turning away from the mirror, walking over to the bed and picking up his tux, “Not right now.”

“Then, when?”

“Never.”

“You aren’t going to be happy with Sophia.”

“Please take him away, Louis.”

“He’s right, Liam,” Louis says, “I wasn’t saying anything before because I thought you’d freak out, but if we don’t talk about this now then it might just be too late.”

“Louis, don’t you start,” Liam says, sliding into his jacket and trying to ignore the sudden pressure on his head.

“But Li‒”

“Look, guys,” he turns to face them, states in a voice so firm even he surprises himself, “We have talked about this before, and every single time I have told you that I am sure about this. Now let this go, and just be good friends and have my back. That’s all I want from you guys today, that’s all.”

“I am actually being a good friend and telling you to not go through with this, because you don’t love Sophia,” Niall says, he’s started to pace the room and Louis is still standing by the mirror, staring imploringly at Liam.

“How would you know that?” Liam spits, “How would you know if I love her or not? For fuck’s sake, you don’t even know what love is Niall, you go through girls like fucking clothes!”

Niall stops in his tracks, looking at Liam, eyes wide. Then he sighs, “You know what, I am going to ignore that last comment because I understand you’re currently out of your mind, but I am going to say this. I don’t know what love is because I haven’t fallen for anyone yet, but when I do, I am not going to let them go like you’re letting Zayn go.”

It stings, his gut twists and he feels like throwing up. He is both angry and anxious, and he can’t believe his friends aren’t taking his side right now. Even Louis. He knows somewhere deep inside that every word coming out of Niall’s mouth is dripping with the truth, but he can’t start believing it. Not right now, when his family is outside and Sophia is all dressed up, and people are expecting a grand, perfect wedding.

“If you both have said, all you wanted to, you can leave now,” he says, looking away from the eyes of his friends.

“You’re still going to go through with this?” Niall asks, disbelief in his voice.

“For the last time, yes,” he says, firmly.

“Why?” Niall asks, defeated.

“You already know. I cannot break her heart, not today, not when she’s sitting there in a white dress. My entire family is out there, they don’t even know I am gay. And my entire family loves Sophia, I can’t just let all of them down like this,” Liam says, “They’re all so happy, everyone. Even the fans are happy, you just told me. I don’t want to ruin anything, and I am not going to.  So it’s time you just accept this, and stop trying to talk me out of it,” Liam says.

“Yeah but he isn’t happy,” Niall mutters, “And you aren’t happy. And if you do this, you both won’t be forever.”

It takes Liam a whole lot of mental strength to reply, “I _am_ happy. It’s my wedding and my mother is proud of me, I couldn’t be happier. And as for him, he is stronger than you think. He will get over me. He knows about all the problems we might have to face if I marry him, or even come out. He understands because he’s smarter than all of you, he’ll be okay. I know, he will.”

“I don’t know whether you’re trying to convince me or yourself,” Niall says, “Either way, you’re doing a terrible job.”

Liam thanks god when the door opens again, and he doesn’t have to answer Niall. It’s Harry.

“Sophia’s cousin or someone want‒” Harry begins to say but stops short, sensing the tension in the room, specially the expression Niall’s wearing, he has never looked so pensive before, “Is everything okay?”

And Liam gulps, hoping to god that Niall or Louis don’t say anything because if they were firing bullets at him regarding Zayn a few seconds ago, Harry would launch a missile right at him and crush him to pieces because he holds Liam responsible for Zayn’s misery. And Liam is responsible for it, he knows, it eats him away every moment. But when Harry is shouting at him, he feels a million times worse than he already does. And if Harry says something today, Liam might as well just die.

When Liam had announced his engagement, Harry had spent three days not talking to him and when he had announced his wedding Harry had literally not seen his face for an entire month. He was Zayn’s best friend, he was the one Zayn told things to that even Liam didn’t know about. And he is the one who was the most against this wedding, only coming around a few days ago, and that too because Zayn told him to. Liam is sure.

Harry doesn’t need a reply though, he already knows. There is only one thing that can make Niall look like that, so he says, “Louis, Niall, you’re needed in the hall. Also, Niall check with Sophia’s cousin, the short one, she lost something.”

Liam wonders whether he can run out a window, as he watches Niall grab his phone roughly and walk out the door, Louis following him, pausing by Harry’s side and giving him a look before he goes out. Harry shuts the door behind him and walks towards Liam. He comes and stands right in front of him, biting his lip, lines on his forehead. Liam waits for the lecture he’s about to get but then Harry says, “C’mere Payno.” And pulls him in for a hug instead.

And turns out, that is all Liam really needed at the moment. He rests his cheek on Harry’s shoulder, feeling Harry rub his back and shuts his eyes close, very, very tight. Because he can feel the tears coming, but he can’t cry. If he does, Harry will know. Harry will know how much he’s hiding; the regret, the pain, the mush of feelings buried deep, deep inside him. And maybe he’s shaking a bit, because Harry is whispering, _‘its okay li’_ in his ear, followed by ‘ _everything’s gonna be just fine_.’

“Is he coming?” Liam asks, regretting the words the moment they come out of his mouth, hell, he didn’t even know they were present anywhere inside him.

“You want him to?” Harry asks, still rubbing circles against his back.

He pauses, and then says, “It’s his choice, I don’t really care.”

“Good, nothing to worry about then,” Harry says.

Just that, nothing else, Liam wishes he had answered him.

“I need to get ready Haz,” he says, a few minutes later, reluctant to get out of the comfort of Harry’s friendly arms, but he knows he needs to go down in a few minutes.

“Yeah, yeah, you do,” Harry says, letting him go, “Don’t worry okay?”

“Okay,” Liam says, watching Harry leave.

The moment Harry shuts the door, he lets himself fall on the bed, his hands find his head and he rubs his forehead, trying to get everything out of his head. He doesn’t want to think about Zayn when he’s marrying someone else. But the images of Zayn in his mind are permanent and he knows he can do nothing about them, he has tried before. Every time he closes his eyes, he’s there. Every time he opens, them, he’s somehow still there.

 

**~**

 

 

“Liam, you don’t have to worry okay? We will figure this out, we will tell her everything and we will apologize. It will be fine, she’ll understand,” he holds Liam close, running hands through his hair, but there are tears in Liam’s eyes and he’s a shaking mess in his arms. Zayn hasn’t ever seen Liam like this before; he doesn’t know what to do. So he just keeps on holding him, sitting trembling on the couch, trying to be brave.

“You don’t know her, she won’t let it go this easily,” Liam says, “She’ll tell my parents and she’ll tell everyone else too, and she won’t do it without exaggerating. And it will ruin everything, everything I have, and everything we have.”

“She won’t do anything, we won’t let her, we’ll explain.”

“That’s not going to work, I cheated on her Zayn, and I keep lying to her,” Liam says, “I don’t love her, but I keep telling her I do. It’s my entire fault, I should’ve ended things ages ago, but I couldn’t do it because I was a fool. She'll tell my parents Zayn, I can't, I can't let that happen.”

“Okay, no listen to me okay,” Zayn holds his face in his hands, wipes his tears, rubs his cheeks, “You can still stop this. You can tell her the truth and all this can end, tell her everything and save her from more lying. This can still be stopped, it’s not too late, she’ll be angrier if you keep this from her. Just go and break up with her, tell her everything and apologize. She’s going to appreciate your honesty, I know. But if you lead her on more, it’s not going to do anyone any good.”

“You’re right,” Liam sighs, “I have to talk to her.”

“Yes, you do,” Zayn nods.

“I’ll tell her everything, I’ll apologize, and that’ll be it.”

“Yeah,” Zayn smiles, kisses Liam’s forehead.

“Okay, I am going to go right now,” Liam says, “I have to get rid of her, I don’t love her.”

Liam places a kiss on his lips, before he gets out of his arms and grabs his keys.

“I’ll wait for you, right here,” Zayn says, watching him make his way to the door.

“I love you, Zayn,” is the last thing Liam says to him before he’s out the door.

A solid, honest “I love you too” is the last thing he hears. 

 

 

**~**

 

He shouldn’t have told Zayn he loved him, he should have kept that a secret. It would have been easier that way, so much easier. Zayn would have never known, and Zayn would have never replied. And Liam wouldn’t have heard those words come out of Zayn’s mouth with so much belief, like that. He hates himself for telling Zayn he loved him, he hates himself for hurting Zayn like that.

  
**~**

 

  
“We are engaged,” Sophia squeals, clinging to Liam, holding his arm so tightly.

And Zayn just stares at Liam, right into his eyes, from across the room, his mouth ajar, as everyone rushes forward to offer congratulations.

 

 

**~**

He doesn’t know why he had thought the engagement was a good idea, but he had gone home to Sophia cooking dinner for him. A huge smile on her face, and she had invited his parents, because he had been looking sad and she thought he was missing his mum.

How could he have broken up with her that night, how could he have broken her heart like that? How could he have said his ‘I love yous’ were lies, and he was fucking someone else almost every other night? He couldn’t do it, he was weak.

His mother asked him when he was going to get married to Sophia, because she had never seen him in love with someone so much before. She hadn’t seen a girl suit him like Sophia did, and he said soon. And then he had. And he doesn’t know why, why he thought letting Zayn go was the best idea, it had just seemed like the best thing to do. Sophia was crying, his mother was crying, his father was patting him on the back, everyone was happy. So he didn’t know how it could have been wrong?

 

**~**

 

  
“Don't even touch me right now,” Zayn moves away from his hands.

"Zayn, please listen," he says, trying to reason.

"No get out, go away, just go away," Zayn shouts.

"I wasn't thinking!" Liam says.

"You weren't thinking?" Zayn asks, "You asked her to fucking marry you, and you weren't thinking?"

"You have to let me explain," Liam begs.

"Get, out, of, my, room," Zayn glares at him, standing inches away from him, hands balled into fists on either side.

He hasn't ever seen that look in Zayn's eyes before; the look of loathe, the look Liam never thought Zayn would throw his way.

"I won't go," he says.

"I'll physically push you out, then," Zayn says, voice cracking at the end, "Just the way you did to me, out of your life."

Liam falls down on his knees, not knowing what else to do. His mind is a mess, he is a mess. He is begging, he’s on the ground, on his knees, in front of Zayn. Feels like he has made the biggest mistake of his life.

"I can't leave you," Liam says, "I love you."

“Then why in the fuck did you ask her to marry you?" it's a simple question, the way Zayn says it though, makes Liam's blood run cold.

He is crying, he is staring up at Zayn, he’s in the same clothes he was two days ago. And he looks so broken, Liam wants to throw up.

“When you say you love me, do you lie to me?” Zayn asks then, looking down at him.

“No, I love you, I love you so much,” he says.

 

“Then, are you going to marry her?” Zayn asks.

“No, I am going to call it off,” he shakes his head.

"Okay, then show me your face when you have," Zayn says in a low shaky voice, "Now get out!"

"Zayn," he says, a plea.

“If you love me, if you really do," Zayn says, "Get out of here before I drag you out."

He gets up, reaches out for Zayn, just for a touch before he goes. Zayn backs away. Liam walks out the door, feeling a weight on his chest, he knows isn't going to go away.

 

 

**~**

 

He wipes the tears from his eyes as he gets up, straightening his clothes, shaking his head off the memories that seem to haunt him. He knows he has hurt Zayn, he knows he has lied to Zayn and he knows all he deserves in this world is hell. That’s exactly what he’s stepping into.

And he doesn’t want Zayn to come, because if he does, Liam is just going to hurt him some more. Even when, every part of Liam craves his touch, and his ears yearn for his voice, he doesn’t want him to come. Because he doesn’t know what’s really going to happen but it’s going to end up hurting someone really badly.

—-

  
Harry's apartment in London. 

That is where Zayn found refuge. He had left the moment he had heard Liam was getting married, that they had announced a date; he didn’t know anything after that. He didn’t want to see Liam because he was right about done with the empty promises and futile assurances.

So he had just left and ended up in some bar, woke up with some girl at her apartment the other day. After that, he didn’t know where to go. Not his place because he had pictures of Liam in twenty different places, not back to the complex because he never wanted to see Liam again. So he texted Harry and without questioning Harry told him his apartment was free. That was the best thing about Harry, Harry didn’t ask questions, Harry already knew.

And now he is here. Lying on the bed, thinking about all the wrong he had done in life to deserve this kind of punishment. What he didn’t have, that Sophia does? Why did he fall for the one person he couldn’t have? The person who never loved him back.

But that’s not true, no, Zayn refuses to believe it. Liam couldn’t have just lied staring into his eyes like that, Liam couldn’t have lied about being in love with him, Liam wasn’t that good of a liar ever.

Or was Liam? Or did Liam lie about _everything_?

 

 

**~**

 

“What is it Zayn? What the hell is up with you? With us?” Liam asks, as if he doesn’t already know.

“Who let you inside?”

“That is not the answer to my question,” Liam says.

“Who let you in!?” he shouts, he’s angry.

“I know where you hide the spare keys, I practically live here damn it,” Liam grunts.

Zayn snorts in response and gets back under the bed covers that Liam had previously thrown off him. 

“Zayn. I want an answer. What have I done, why are you ignoring me?”

“Just go away,” he replies, hiding his face in the pillows.

Roughly, Liam pulls off the bed covers off him again. Next thing he knows, Liam's hand is on his shoulder and he is being forcefully turned around. He complies, a bit surprised to find Liam crouching over him. His face so close to his.

“I seriously am not leaving until you tell me what's wrong!” Liam says, firmly.

Zayn has never seen Liam like that before; face contorted with fury, undeniably sexy, lips pressed in a furious line, undeniably sexy, eyes flaming, undeniably sexy, pupils glancing back and forth his eyes and lips, undeniably sexy, Liam's minty breath falling on his face.

“I- I- just- wow,” Zayn breathes, Liam is mesmerizing.

“What?” 

Zayn doesn’t say anything. Just watches as Liam scrutinizes him, eyes scanning his face with an unfathomable expression. And then Liam leans forward and Zayn breathes in sharply when their lips touch.

A brief press, then Liam pulls back a little, staring into his eyes, before leaning back in. This time Zayn’s waiting for him; he catches Liam’s mouth with his own in the middle. And then Liam is climbing over him, legs on either side of his waist, lips never parting. Their tongues a tangled mess, his hands in Liam’s hair, Liam’s pressed to his chest, pressing him into the bed.

Short of breath, Liam finally pulls back after an eternity of pure bliss, only to sink his face in the curve of Zayn’s neck, “Wow.”

Zayn is trying to figure if he just actually kissed Liam, if Liam is actually sprawled over him, his dick pressing against his, hard.

“You could have started ignoring me a little sooner,” Liam says into his neck, “And we could have been doing this, instead of wasting our time.”

Zayn goes still, “You knew?”

“What?”

“That I- why I was ignoring you?”

“No.”

“Then why did you-”

“I can’t hide my feelings anymore,” Liam leans back, looks into his eyes, “Not from you. I can hide nothing from you.”

“You have feelings for me,” Zayn asks.

“If I didn’t,” Liam says, “I wouldn’t have kissed you.”

“But you’re with Sophia,” he asks.

“Tried to get my mind off you,” Liam says, “That’s not real, I wanted to get over you. But I couldn’t. I am going to break up with her.”

“I- I have feelings for you too,” Zayn says, his face burning, Liam smiles widely at him, “I have had feelings for you since a very long time.”

“Then prove it, and kiss me again.”

With one push, Zayn pushes Liam off him, straddling his waist, bending over him, smashing his lips against Liam’s, feeling Liam’s nails dig into his waist.

 

 

**~**

 

 

No, it all couldn’t have been a lie. He knows Liam definitely loves him, even if it’s a small percent, he knows Liam does. If Liam didn’t love him, then why did he keep coming back?

Liam does love him, he knows that because he felt it. Liam couldn’t have lied about that.

—-

Harry finds this hard to believe; he is standing there in the decorated garden, watching the guests chatting away when his two best friends are on their way to destroy each other's lives. One is being completely unreasonable while the other has run off, refused to stand up. He can’t believe this.

So he does the only thing he can think of, he promised Louis he won’t interfere but he has to do this. And then, he’ll leave everything to god. He pulls out his phone and speed dials Zayn.

As expected, Zayn doesn’t pick up; it goes straight to voice mail. Harry snorts to himself before speaking into the phone; he knows Zayn is listening, just not picking up.

“Okay I know you’re listening to this, even though you won’t pick up! I just wanted to say, Liam hasn’t said his vows yet. You can still stop this, because you are the only one who can. You know he loves you Z, and you love him. If this happens, I don’t think anything is ever going to be okay in this world. Please come, please stop this mess. I will wait for you, okay Zayn?”

There is no response, obviously. So he just sighs and then clicks the phone shut, sliding it back into his pocket. He doesn’t know whether Zayn will show up or not, but he hopes to god that he does.

—-

It's happening. Liam is standing next to the minister along with his three groomsmen, a fake smile plastered on his face as he watches Sophia's cousins enter with flowers in their hands, all dressed in lilac. Niall enters after them, smiling, with a beautiful blonde girl on his arm. As everything proceeds, it only makes Liam realize how quickly time is passing by. Soon he will be a married man with no hope of getting Zayn back. He still can run right back into those arms and stay hidden in their warmth for the rest of his life. There is still time.

“All rise for the bride,” the minister says, catching his attention, and everyone in the area instantly gets up. The smile on Sophia's face as she enters with her arm around her father's makes Liam’s gut twist. There is no time; he won’t be the one to cause an innocent girl misery she does not deserve.

She walks up the few, wooden steps and Liam puts forward his hand which Sophia takes smiling. He hears a snort, he knows its Harry, as he faces the guests with Sophia. The prayers are said, the guests take their seats, the hymn is sung and Liam's heart beat picks up speed as his eyes search the area desperately for any sign of shiny black hair. There is a chaos inside Liam that only the sight of him can subside.

But, no. There is no sign of him. Maybe it’s for the best.

And then he’s facing Sophia, her hand clutching his and time doesn’t even stand still, like it should, like it does in the movies. It’s just running and running.

“Sophia Marie Smith, do you understand and accept this responsibility, and do you promise to do your very best each day to create a loving, healthy, and happy marriage?” the minister asks and Sophia doesn’t even waste a second, smiling up at him as she says, “I do.”

“Liam James Payne, do you understand and accept this responsibility, and do you promise to do your very best each day to create a loving, healthy, and happy marriage?”

This is his chance, his chance to say. To say how all this is a lie, he can’t do this. There is a weight in his chest, a lump in his throat, he doesn’t love her.  But no. He can feel his parent’s eyes on him, proud and ecstatic. Another forty, fifty pairs of eyes on him. He can feel Harry's eyes boring into his back but he ignore him as he opens his mouth to respond, “I-”

“No, please don’t say it.”

That voice echoes in the room, and suddenly Liam finds it very, _very_ hard to breathe. For that voice destroys Liam inside and out. And slowly he turns his head, to find him standing there. Just where Sophia had walked a few moments ago. In a place full of neat, sophisticated, people wearing branded, expensive stuff, a single man, clad in old jeans and a familiar white button up.

Restlessness has taken over the guests, everyone trying to get a good look at the intruder, whispers echo in the room and he can see Zayn visibly squirming in his skin. He wants to protect him but he’s frozen, and Sophia hasn’t let go off his hands.

“Liam? What is going on?”

Liam looks at her and she is confused, she is so clueless. So he just stares at her, dead eyed, as she repeats her question, this time a little louder. There is a silence which takes over the garden after that until Zayn breaks it again, tired of waiting for Liam to speak.

“He can’t marry you Sophia, he doesn’t love you,” Zayn takes a few steps forward.

Liam can’t speak, he feels nauseous again. He can’t believe this is happening, but he can’t find it in himself to stop Zayn either.

“What are you talking about?” Sophia asks Zayn.

Everyone is silent and only Zayn speaks, his voice seems to be shaking just like Liam’s hands, “He doesn’t love you, I can’t let him marry you.”

“Is this some kind of joke, Liam?” Sophia looks at him, her eyes are wide, she’s perplexed.

Liam doesn't know where to look; into her eyes and give in to the hopelessness or into Zayn's and break down at the helplessness.

“No, I wouldn’t be here if anything about this was a joke,” Zayn says again, his voice louder.

“Who is it Liam?” he can see the tears in her eyes now; they’re just about to fall.

Harry speaks this time, “Seriously? I can't believe how someone can be so blind, Sophia can you really not se-”

“Harry, shut up,” he finds his voice; he can’t let Harry embarrass her like this. Not when he has brought all this upon her.

“Well, don’t you think think it’s time you told her and everyone else, Liam?” Harry asks.

“Sophia, don't listen to them, okay?” he says to her, choosing not to look at Zayn, he doesn’t want Zayn to do to him what he does to him, “I don’t know what they’re saying.”

“No, Liam!” Zayn says, there is desperation in his voice, “Don’t do this to me again, I love you, and I know you love me too, don’t turn me away again!”

But this hurts even more. He doesn’t have to look at Zayn to know how helpless he might be looking, he can’t do that. He has to go through with this.

“What?” Sophia leaves Liam's hands, “What is he saying?”

“Tell her Liam, please tell her. I know you love me, I know. Because all of that, between me and you, all of that couldn’t have been a lie? Liam please, I know it wasn’t just a lie, you said it wasn’t! You promised!”

Not once does he avert his gaze towards Zayn, because he doesn’t want to crumble. He can see his parents staring at him from the corner of his eye and he knows how disappointed they might be in him. Before he can give anything another thought, Sophia has moved closer to him and has taken his hand again.

“Liam, baby, do you love him? Is he speaking the truth? Please tell me, I’ll believe you,” Sophia begs, “Please, tell me.”

He glances at his parents; they’re looking at him with expectant faces. He knows what they want from him, he can’t let them down.

“No. He's lying.”

Zayn screams, and Liam doesn’t look at him, a punch slams straight into his heart. He thought he was never going to hurt Zayn again, he had been so wrong.

“Liam, was it all a lie?” a question is thrown his way, voice low and battered, “Even that night, when you came back? Was that a lie too?”

Every vessel inside of his constricts as images shatter his mind. Little pieces of the night he had tried so hard to forget about, and he wants to look at Zayn and shake his head, but he can’t speak, can’t move. His mind his numb, so are his hands and his feet. Bile rising up in his throat as he tries to shut all of his senses down. Someone calls for security nearby, he doesn’t know who. At first he's taken aback, how did someone dare to call security on his best friend? But then, Zayn isn't just his best friend is he? Maybe once upon a time he was, but now, he’s so much more than that. So much more, Liam can’t even begin to explain.

Before security can even come though, someone is already rushing towards Zayn from behind Liam. Zayn is very quiet.

“Leave him, leave him alone or god help me!”

It’s Harry. Liam should’ve guessed.

He still doesn’t look up, doesn’t have to, he just knows when Zayn has left the place because he feels all empty inside again.

Zayn has taken his heart with him again.

—-

 

~

 

 

It's complete mayhem outside, the sky is shrieking, tearing apart, the rain hasn't stopped since last night. It feels like God let loose all the taps up there, just like Zayn has let loose all the taps behind his eyes.

He hasn't left Harry's room since the moment he came here, probably hasn't even left the bed except whenever he needed to make his way to the fridge or go out for a pack of smokes. There are a more than a dozen cigarettes stubs lying all around the room, he can't find it in himself to give a single fuck.

Louis’ voice still rings in his ears, as loud and clear as it was; ‘Liam is getting married on the first of next month.’ He hasn't seen Liam, not after that. He can't after that, he's so weak, he can't trust himself right now. Doesn't know what he'd do if he sees Liam, doesn't know if he'd even be able to do anything at all.

For him, it was always Liam. Before everything else and after everything else. Always, Liam. Everyone and everything else was just an illusion, funny how all this time it was actually Liam who was just an illusion.

He jerks up straight in bed, when he hears a sudden banging. There is already all kinds of loud sounds coming from outside, but this one is nearer. Like someone is banging on wood, trying to break it down. He gets out from under the blankets, shirtless, in his trousers, the cold air from the air conditioner that he's had on full blast since he came sends a shiver down his body. He ignores it, doesn't even put a shirt on, makes his way out of the bedroom, towards the front door.

It's shaking, not from the wind like all the windows are, but because of the person who's banging incessantly on it. He knows its Harry, nobody else really knows about this apartment. Maybe Louis does, but Louis called him like yesterday. And he told Louis he wanted to be alone; he knows Louis would respect that. Harry though, he has never been able to stop Harry from doing anything.

He turns the lock and opens the door, the door still trembling. And then his heart sinks all the way down to his stomach. Because Liam stands there, blue jeans and an old white button up sticking to his body in places, hair matted to the forehead, soaking wet. Eyes as brown as ever.

“Zayn.”  
  
He bangs the door shut on Liam's face, doesn't lock it, just turns around and starts to walk back towards the bedroom. Wishes he had never opened the door. He feels like he just fell down another fifty feet into the ditch he had been lying in all week. He hears the door open again, heavy footsteps behind him. But he doesn't turn around, reaches the bed and just stands there, the edge of it touching his knees.

The footsteps stop right behind him, he knows Liam is only an inch away, he can feel Liam right there standing behind him. There’s this invisible energy coming from Liam, the one that pulled Zayn so badly in the first place, the one that doesn’t let Zayn escape.

“How’d you find me?” he croaks, staring at the wall, surprised at hearing his own voice, having not heard it since days.

“I always know how to find you,” Liam says.

Zayn shuts his eyes close, he feels like suffocating himself.

“Why’re you here?” he asks, opening his eyes but not turning back.

“I was worried about you.”

Zayn snorts loudly, “You weren’t worried about me when you proposed to her, you’re fucking about to marry her in less than a month.”

Liam is silent, really, what can he say? Is there any excuse left in the world?

“I miss you,” Liam whispers.

It’s so low and soft, his voice, and yet it somehow breaks all of Zayn.

“Stop lying,” he spits.

“I’m not lying,” Liam says.

“I don’t believe you,” he says.

“I don’t believe that,” Liam says.

He feels Liam move closer to him, he wants to run away but he’s got no place to go.

“You should,” he says, “Because it’s true.”

“It’s not,” Liam inches closer, he can feel Liam’s front press into his back.

“It is,” he says, can’t breathe.

“It’s. Not,” Liam rests his chin on his shoulder, his wet stubble scratching his skin.

“Liam, don’t,” he says, he’s weak in the knees, Liam has his arms around his waist, he’s pressed against him, shivering because it’s so cold, and Liam trembles with him, clothes soggy.

“I miss you,” Liam says, right into his ear, like a secret.

“What have you done to me, Liam?” Zayn asks, as he reluctantly leans back into Liam, trying to stop himself but he is under a spell, “Why did you make me fall in love? Why did you ever have to say you loved me back? Why couldn’t you have just left me alone? Why?”

“What have I done to you?” Liam says in a low voice, “ Zayn, I can’t stay away from you, I can’t stop thinking about you. What have _you_ done to _me_?”

“Go away, Liam,” he breathes, not meaning it at all though.

“I can’t,” Liam says, “I can’t. It’s impossible. I can’t help myself, I love you.”

“Stop saying that,” Zayn says, Liam breathing into the hollow of his neck, “Stop saying shit you don’t mean!”

There is a hard grip on his elbow, as he is jerked around, and his eyes meet Liam, albeit reluctantly, who looks as broken as Zayn does.

“I am not lying to you okay, I love you, I love you so much and all the day every day I regret what I am doing,” Liam says furiously, gripping both his biceps tightly, it’s too much, “You make me want to claw my eyes out, you make my heart ache, I love you, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be here!”

There’s fire in his eyes, the kindZayn knows shouldn’t be played with but Zayn has always been careless and impulsive. So he does what he wants, he moves all into Liam’s space, and he kisses Liam. Not softly, harshly, very rough, because he’s mad at Liam for saying stuff that makes him feel feeble.

And Liam kisses back, his hands letting go off Zayn’s biceps, moving down to his waist, pressing him into himself. Zayn’s hands work Liam’s buttons open, ridding Liam off his shirt, and he finally finds skin to touch, all parts of which his fingers have already memorized.

Liam moans into his mouth when Zayn digs his nails into his abdomen, and then he’s suddenly pushing Zayn down on the bed. Zayn complies, mouth still hungry for Liam’s taste, skin for Liam’s touch, and apparently Liam feels the same way, for he’s climbing over Zayn a second later, leaning over him, kissing him with the same roughness as before. Tongues crashing with teeth, teeth digging into lips, but they don’t care. There is desperation in the air, need and yearning in their bodies, too hard to ignore.

Liam’s got a hand pressed against Zayn’s dick and he keeps on rubbing it over his cotton trousers, and it makes Zayn’s entire body shiver underneath him, making him tug at Liam’s wet hair, his hands tangled in them. Liam keeps pressing in, kissing him, and he keeps arching himself up, eradicating all space between him and Liam.

And then Liam bites at his bottom lip, so hard, a tremor runs down his body. Liam is kissing his jaw, not giving him time to breathe, Liam is grinding onto him, and he wants Liam with a fervor even he doesn’t fully understand.

His hands find the button of Liam’s jeans and he’s unclasping it, trying to get it off. Liam suddenly disappears from over him, and he opens his eyes, he doesn’t know when he had shut them, to watch Liam slide out of his shoes and jeans, the boxers going away. And Liam is hard, his cock flushed, and all Zayn wants is to‒

He doesn’t even get to complete the thought; Liam is over him again, sliding fingers under his waist band, pulling his trousers down and away. He should be embarrassed at the smack his hard cock makes against his thigh, how wet the head is for Liam, but he has already thrown all shame to hell.

Liam is scrambling over him again, every inch of skin in contact, Liam’s member pressing against his, and they’re both shivering in a rhythm Zayn wants to memorize. Liam sucks on his neck, and he lets him, feeling Liam’s hand working up and down his dick, pressing on  the head, pressing it into his own, sliding them together and Zayn just keeps producing these sounds, he doesn’t know where they’re coming from but they seem to rile Liam up. Because his fingers slide down, towards Zayn’s hole, and the pad of his thumb presses lightly against the dry rim, and Zayn can’t breathe.

“Have we got any lube?” Liam whispers in his ear, breathing ragged.

Zayn shakes his head.

“Condoms?”

“I don’t’ know,” Zayn says.

“Okay,” Liam says, pulling back, letting the cold air hit Zayn’s body, “I am going to go check, don’t move.”

And he’s walking away, towards the bathroom, Zayn lying there, suddenly feeling so small in a room so large, without Liam. Then Liam is walking back in, there is nothing in his hands, Zayn knows he didn’t find a condom.

“Didn’t find one,” Liam says.

And he stands hesitantly by the bed, as if he’s unsure, as if Zayn’s going to say they can’t fuck without a condom.

“I don’t care,” Zayn says.

“What?”

“I don’t care, just fuck me,” he says again.

“Are you sure?” Liam asks.

Zayn gets up then, on his knees, and flings his arms around Liam’s neck. He kisses him, their mouths joining with the same zeal as before. Liam holds him by the waist, as he wraps his legs around Liam’s body, completely hanging onto him, completely his. And Liam slams him down on the bed, even the bed shakes, as he presses Zayn into the mattress, bruising his lips and his skin. Zayn scratches at the back of his neck, before Liam grunts loudly and shoves his fingers into Zayn’s mouth. Zayn sucks on them, Liam kissing on his eyes and forehead, his neck, Zayn keeps sucking, getting as much saliva on them as he can.

When he’s done, Liam opens his thighs with his other hand, slinging one of his legs on his shoulder, and then he’s sliding a finger inside, one hard push. Zayn shuts his eyes because it stings, but he lets Liam open him up. With one finger, then two, three. Liam keeps scissoring, rubbing around, and opening Zayn up as much as he can because Zayn is tight. He’s always tight, no matter how much Liam fucks into him, he’s always tight.

And then he removes his fingers, and Zayn waits for his dick to press against him. But instead wet, damp fingers come up to his chin, and Liam holds his face with on of his hands, making him look at him.

“You’re going to look at me, when I push inside, okay?” he says, and Zayn nods because in his current position, that’s all he can do.

And then Liam aligns his dick against his hole, and looks up at him, eyes locked, as he pushes in, slowly, slowly and it hurts, stretches Zayn apart, but he doesn’t wince, doesn’t even close his eyes because Liam’s gaze is holding him captive.

Liam pushes in slowly, a couple more times, before his movements become rough. And he thrusts in faster, with more force, Zayn’s entire body moving with it, and yet he doesn’t stop looking at Liam. They move together, eyes locked, Zayn’s hands fisted into the bed sheets as he lets Liam fill him up, so fast, so good. It’s like the space inside him was made for Liam to fit in, it was made for Liam to fuck into. Only Liam, nobody else.

Then, Liam grabs his dick. Working him up, and Zayn finally throws his head back because the sensation running up and down his body is dizzying.

“No, Zayn. Look. At. Me,” Liam says again, and Zayn gulps, looks down at Liam again, sweating all over, glistening over him, and thrusting into him. Zayn bites his lips, lets out his frustration because he loves Liam so much, what is he going to do?

And Liam, just keeps looking at him, his eyes dark, the fire has subsided, just a swirl of emotions inside that can’t be faked.

“I love you, Zayn,” he says, a thrust inside that slams into Zayn’s prostrate and he lets out a small scream, coming all over Liam’s hand, making a mess all over himself.

Before he can close his mouth, Liam’s mouth traps it beneath itself, and his tongue meets Liam’s, swirling against it, Liam still fucking into him, changing his pace and angle every time, making him tremble and shake, he knows Liam is going to break him tonight.

And then Liam stills on top of him, breathing into his mouth, and he feels Liam’s pulsating dick inside him, emptying its load, filling him up, so hot, so warm, so fucking full. He moans into Liam’s mouth, and Liam kisses him again, a sticky mess between their bodies, Liam’s dick still inside him.

“I love you so much, Zayn.”

If he could freeze any moment, he would freeze this one.

 

 

~

 

Zayn had passed out that night in Liam’s arms. He knew but that Liam wasn’t going to stay with him, he knew it, he just did.

And he was right because when he woke up, it wasn’t Liam who was by his side. It was a small note, wrapped up in Liam’s white button up, ‘ _I’m sorry_. _I do love you_.’

He had grabbed his lighter and burned the note, right there sitting covered in Liam’s scent, on the dismal bed.

But that night, it burns brightly in his head, and Zayn knows that Liam hadn’t lied to him. When he was inside him, and he was looking at him, and telling him he loved him, Liam wasn’t lying. A thousand marriages and thousand vows couldn’t make Zayn’s belief waver. Maybe Zayn didn’t love him enough, maybe _that_ was the problem. Maybe that is why he’s getting married to Sophia right now, while Zayn stares up at the sky, waiting for God to just pick him up, lying here in the middle of a garden,

He used to come to this garden a lot, it’s behind an old woman’s house, but she doesn’t know Zayn’s been sneaking here since he was eighteen. This was his hideout, his break from the madness. Lying here, staring at the sky, figuring out what shape every cloud was, brought him peace.

Now, nothing can bring him peace. He doesn’t think it’s even possible.

Now, even this stupid harden reminds him so much of Liam, there truly is no escape.

 

**~**

 

 

He is lying on the grass, his eyes skimming the skies, appreciating how beautiful the clouds look. Each one a different shape, a different texture. And like that one is shaped like a magic wand, and the one beside it looks like a dog’s face. It’s really beautiful, how calm and serene they are, how amazing, just like Liam.

“Zayn?”

He jerks his head towards the direction of the voice and his eyes light up when he sees Liam making his way over, wearing a superman shirt and loose jeans, skipping over rocks in the way, making sure he doesn’t step on a flower.

Quickly, Zayn sits up from his lying position and asks, “How’d you know I was here?”

“Followed you,” Liam says, sitting beside him, their arms touching, “What is this place?”

“Just a garden I found some time ago,” Zayn says, “Pretty cool, huh?”

“Yeah,” Liam nods, “Is this where you come to when you disappear off for hours?”

“Yeah,” Zayn confides.

“Cool,” Liam says.

“It’s peaceful here,” Zayn says, rests his head on Liam’s shoulder. They are like this, close and comfortable in each other’s space.

“Yeah, it’s beautiful.”

“I know.”

They sit in silence for a moment, Liam’s arm making its way around his shoulders. They don’t need to speak and fill in the silence, they don’t work like that.

“Why do you come here?” Liam asks after a moment.

“Just to get a break,” Zayn says, “When this sudden fame and everything gets too much.”

“You aren’t used to it all yet, are you?”

“Can you get used to it?”

“No,” Liam chuckles, “You got me.”

“It just helps me clear my mind,” Zayn says, “Makes me feel normal. Makes me feel like nothing has changed, I’m still at home. Maybe few years from now I won’t need to come here, but right now, it’s perfect.”

“Hm,” Liam says, giving Zayn a light squeeze.

And Zayn wants to tell Liam he’s the best part of all this, that Liam is the best part of being in a band, and doing this but he doesn’t because it might be too soon. It’s been only an year since he knows Liam, it really might be _too_ soon.

“Zayn?” Liam says again.

“Yeah?”

“Whenever you come here, can I come here with you too? If you don’t mind bringing me along?”

Zayn lifts his head up from his shoulder and looks at him, “Of course you can come, Liam.”

“Really?” Liam asks.

“Yeah,” Zayn nods.

“Thank you,” Liam says, “You’re the best.”

And Zayn’s heart fluttered at Liam’s words, as he smiled at him, wholly.

 

**~**

 

He had great times with Liam here, they had ran all around, they had fallen down, they had even made out pressed against trees, Zayn riding behind Liam’s back as Liam ran around chasing a squirrel. Too many memories Zayn wants to forget.

Not just the memory but also his name, Liam, stupid Liam, he just wants it all to go away from his mind. He just‒

“Zayn?”

He shuts his eyes close, he wants to forget him, not remember him. He breathes in and out, his chest rising and falling and then a presence is lying down beside him. He doesn’t open his eyes, what the fuck is happening? Is he hallucinating, can you feel hallucinations?

“Zayn?”

It’s a whisper in his ear, so he opens his eyes. And he turns his head around, and his nose bumps into Liam’s and his eyes lock with a pair so familiar, his heart starts to flutter.

Maybe he’s dreaming, maybe he’s reliving a memory, maybe he’s dead and in heaven, maybe‒

“Baby, I am sorry.”

“What?” he mumbles, still trying to comprehend.

“I am sorry.”

A hand finds his, fingers going around his, holding it tight.

“How can you touch me?” Zayn asks.

Liam frowns, “What?”

“If you’re not real, how are you touching me?”

Liam smiles, bumps his nose against Zayn’s.

“I am real, I am right here,” Liam says.

Zayn looks at him then, every detail of his face. Looks down, at the suit he’s wearing, neat and tidy, fancy, the one the real Liam was wearing when he was getting married. It hurts Zayn, the image. He instantly tries to pull his hand away from Liam’s grasp, Liam doesn’t let go.

“I didn’t say it Zayn, I didn’t marry her.”

Zayn wants to believe him but can he, can he really?

“No you’re lying,” he shakes his head, Liam tightens his grip around his hand.

“No, I am not, I didn’t marry her, I didn’t say ‘I do’ and I didn’t say my vows,” Liam says, “Not when I’ve other promises to keep, promises I’ve made to you.”

“You’re lying,” Zayn says, but he’s gone still, because Liam’s eyes are wet and they’re gripping his heart.

“Like the promise of breaking up with her, the promise of coming back to you,” Liam says, “And the promise I didn’t even know I made, the promise of loving you until my last breath.”

Zayn still can’t believe this is happening, he can’t even respond.

“I love you, Zayn. It was never her. I am just a dick for making you suffer like that, I am sorry. I am _so_ sorry.”

“This isn’t real,” Zayn whispers, his heart skipping beats.

“But it is,” Liam says, and he shifts on his elbow, leaning over Zayn, cupping Zayn’s face with his other hand and kissing him full on the lips.

The softest, most beautiful kiss Zayn has ever experienced. He kisses him as moments pass and Zayn just lies there, his head spinning, body parts tickling. Liam doesn’t leave his hand and so Zayn tightens his fingers around his too. Liam pulls back, face hovering above Zayn’s, hand still on his cheek.

“It’s real, I am here,” Liam says.

“I thought I was going to die without you,” Zayn says, speaking his mind because he doesn’t know what else to do.

He’s frozen in disbelief, Liam near him, Liam so beautiful.

“You’ll never be without me,” Liam says, “Not ever.”

“You’ve hurt me a lot,” Zayn says.

“I know, I am ready to pay for it in any way you want me to,” Liam says, “I know I am stupid, and a fool, a god damn fool. But along with all that, I am so deeply in love with you, I can’t explain.”

“I love you too,” Zayn says, “You’ve made it very hard for me not to.”

Liam lets out a sudden breath, “Thank god, thank god you said that. I was afraid you were never going to say that to me again.”

“Until I am alive Liam, I am going to love you. You can leave me a thousand times; I am still going to love you.”

“Never,” Liam says, pressing his forehead against his, “I am never leaving you.”

“You’ve said that before.”

“And I am sorry,” Liam says, pleading eyes, “But never again. I am here, chained to you. I couldn’t leave even if I wanted. Trust me, I have tried.”

“Why did you even try?”

“I was afraid.”

“Of whom?”

“Just- everything.”

“And you aren’t now?”

“No,” Liam says, “Because I realized what makes me brave.”

“What?”

“You.”

He opens his mouth to spit out another question, but he stops, “Really?”

“Really.”

“Okay, kiss me then, kiss me and make me believe.”

Liam smiles widely at him, and Zayn knows exactly what he’s thinking about as he leans in and presses his lips against Zayn’s again.

Zayn shuts his eyes; let’s go off Liam’s hand to wound his arm around his neck. He feels Liam hold his waist, and he falls back onto the ground, taking Zayn with him, completely flipping him over so that now he’s lying over Liam, legs resting on the ground between Liam’s legs, and Liam’s rubbing his back, kissing him as intrusively as he can.

When they pull back, both panting, mouths wet, Zayn scans Liam’s face once again, smooths out the lines on his forehead, runs his hand over the clean shaven jaw. Ruffles Liam’s gelled mohawk so that it becomes a perfect mess.

“So, how did you come here?” he asks,  “What did you tell- her?”

“They started it all from the top after you left,” Liam relates, “I said ‘I don’t’ instead of ‘I do’. And then I ran after you, judging by Niall’s scream of joy, I do think he and Harry took care of everything else.”

“Would you have said ‘I do’ if I hadn’t showed up?” Zayn asks.

“Probably,” Liam confesses, “I hadn’t seen you in days, I felt so weak.”

“Well, then I am glad I came,” Zayn says, “Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Are you glad, that I came?” he knows it's a stupid question, but he just needs to know.

Liam looks at him, his honest, brown eyes already answering him, “Glad would definitely be a huge understatement, Z.”

“I thought I had lost you,” he says, rests his head on Liam’s shoulder, “Forever.”

“You can’t lose what was made for you,” Liam kisses his head.

Zayn smiles into his neck, “You were made for me?”

“Just like you were for me,” Liam says, holds him so tight against him, and rests his chin above his head, “Because you’re the only one who fits with me, like this. Filling in all my spaces.”

“You’ve become quite poetic, Mr. Payne,” Zayn pecks on his neck.

“It’s all your fault,” Liam says, “The things you have done to me.”

Zayn looks up at that, smiling, a distinct memory burning at the back of his mind, “No, Liam, the things _you_ have done to _me_.”

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: [ziamasf](http://ziamasf.tumblr.com/)


End file.
